Remembering

Today is Antonys birthday. 2 years ago today I was in the hospital torn between wanting to delay the inevitable indefinitely and wanting to complete things so I could grieve.

Many tears were shed that day and in the weeks and months following. Tears are being shed today too.

Gone but never forgotten my baby, missed always.

Mama worries

Tomorrow I will be at the same gestation as I was when I lost my first son Antony. Understandably this is making mama bear a bit on the worried side. Subconsiously more than anything else. I've avoided sitting down and consiously worrying about it happening again because I cant see the point in stressing myself out over something that is out of my control. Seems my subconsious has been doing the worrying for me.

So far I've had 2 nights of seriously crappy sleep. The night of 20w4d, which is the day that I had the anatomy scan with Antony that suggested there could be a problem with my cervix, and last night 21w, which was the night before I was admitted into hospital to await progress.

Well, the good news is I'm not in hospital so things are definately different this time.
Umm, bad news... I dont think I have any at this stage, and I bloody well hope it stays that way.

Tomorrow I will be lighting a candle for my lost son, to remember the short time that he was with us and to celebrate him becoming a big brother. So sad that he isn't here with us now...